Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
