Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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