my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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