she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
