U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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