His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
