: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
