he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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