my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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