it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
