you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
