K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
