so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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