From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize