I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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