Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
