does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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