Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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