Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
