Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
