My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
