This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
