you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
