Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
