as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
me + whiskey = a bad person
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize