We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
