Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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