remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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