I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Randomize
