You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize