Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
