just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
