quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
