i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Randomize