everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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