Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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