At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
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