Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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