if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
