yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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