I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Less talking, more tequila
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
