I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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