Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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