Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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