I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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