I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
