I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize