The maid of honor just puked.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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