peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
