Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
