You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
