so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
