He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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