I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
