I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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