i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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