Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize