remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
