Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Of course I have a pirate flag
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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