Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
