I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
