Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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